Four Years Later

“He makes everything beautiful in its own time” Ecclesiastes 3:11

Life should be lived in the moment with hopeful expectation of the future. It’s great to embrace what the Lord wants for you in this time; to grow and explore people, places, and work right now. You can dream and plan with anticipation of all future possibilities.

However, when walking through a season of grief and uncertainty, living in the present time is overwhelming. Your future plans seem pointless or unattainable. How can you move forward when you don’t know what to do?

March 14 marked four years since Michael and I received confirmation about our infertility. Putting myself back in that time, I didn’t see how we would ever be able to move forward from that news. I remember my mind racing while sitting beside Michael in the hospital chair. Where would we go from here? The nurse told us our options were sperm donor or adoption. How did we feel about those? How would we afford any option other than Invitro Fertilization? What did God want in this?

As I share in, Sustaining Hope, the Lord had prepared us so perfectly for that moment, that I had no doubt He was in it with us. I knew in my spirit that we would be okay. But the situation wasn’t black and white. There were too many choices.

I wrestled through them all over the years. Moral issues, past sins, and God’s unknown plans all presented themselves whenever I questioned what was right for us. The Lord was there in each instance with an answer for that time. He didn’t give overall clarity. He just dealt with each issue as it arose, teaching us to wait on him.

When you’re faced with big decisions you don’t know what to do with, the Lord will teach you to trust in Him. He most likely won’t give you an answer right away, and that’s on purpose. He desires your dependency to be on Him. You can list your options and process through each one, but ultimately, it’ll be through prayer, guidance, and waiting that you’ll receive your answer in His appointed time.

The waiting is so difficult. Why would the Lord make you wait when He already has the answer?

It’s because it’s in the waiting that your dependency and trust mature in Him. If you’re looking, you’ll notice all the areas the Lord ministers to you in that precious time. You’ll grow deeper with Him, because you’ll wrestle over your questions and doubts, and deal with the heavy things on your heart and mind. In time, this will give you more confidence in Him too.

The more you rely on Jesus, the more you’ll become like Him. When you’re open to His leading, Holy Spirit has greater room to work in your heart because you’re not shutting Him out. This will allow you to be used by the Lord more and grow in the things He desires for you.

The Lord doesn’t care nearly as much about your life plan as He does your life itself. He wants your heart and a deep relationship with Him. He wants you to trust Him above all else. He’ll give you the next steps when He’s satisfied with your character development for that time.

By choosing to love God in your hard times, you’ll be better equipped to love others because He’ll give you more empathy, compassion, and comfort for them. You’ll understand grief and suffering more in order to be more effective for His kingdom work.

None of us want to hear that though. Suffering isn’t on the top of anyone’s bucket list. When you stop and take a look at Jesus’ life, you’ll notice how much He suffered for you. There’s an incomprehensible treasure in suffering that humbles you and magnifies God’s work in and through you. It’s really a gift of sorts.

It amazes me how far the Lord has brought me from that time four years ago. Being childless isn’t where I thought He’d lead us, and I definitely didn’t think I’d be able to say this next part – It’s beautiful.

I have become so grateful for the freedom and extra time I have with Jesus, Michael, and this ministry. I can be more devoted to the things He’s directed me to, because I don’t have the pull and distractions of little ones to invest in. Don’t get me wrong. Children are a treasured gift from the Lord and it’s an honour and privilege Christians are given to raise them up in the gospel and goodness of Christ. But each of us have our own burdens and gifts to carry.

We’ll rejoice if the Lord chooses to bless us with children. But we’re also rejoicing now in the time we have to be flexible and enjoy pouring into those the Lord brings our way, in the special capacities He’s equipped us with. I’ve found peace in my life and marriage in this area, with a surrendered heart towards His will. This is something I could not have imagined or achieved on my own. It’s only through the power and work of the Lord within me.

“To God be the glory great things He has done.”
To God be the Glory – Fanny Crosby