Our Infertility Anniversary
March 14 was our second anniversary of finding out we are officially infertile. It crossed my mind on Saturday, but thankfully the sting wasn’t nearly as prominent as it was last year.
As I reflect on the time surrounding our news, I can’t help but praise the Lord. It can be hard to step back from your situation and see the Lord’s hand in a tragic circumstance. Yet, it is powerful and strengthening when you can, because God is ALWAYS doing something.
Michael and I crashed on our couch when I got him home from the hospital. We laid on the couches dumbfounded. We wept together again. We appreciated the quietness and solitude of our house. It felt like a protected fortress. Us together ignoring the fast paced, family-oriented world around us.
It was the Wednesday of March Break. I was working for a school and had that week off. Michael had a few days off to recuperate as well. It was a blessing. We realized that we didn’t have to see anyone or do anything. We could hide away and grieve the initial bit of news. But God wasn’t going to let us suffer alone. A few close family and friends sent texts and Scripture to comfort our hearts.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God…The grace of our LORD Jesus Christ be with your spirit“Philippians 4:6, 23
I received a text from another friend that afternoon. I was speechless when I read her message. She didn’t know about Michael’s biopsy, so the timing was perfectly crafted by God! She said:
“So, I don’t know why, but I started writing this song basically a year ago today while driving to see my sister. [Her daughter] was sleeping in the car while I was sitting in the back and God just put this song in my heart and I wrote it down and sung it in my head in silence. I have never done anything with it or thought about it since. I had penned it on a small notebook that I keep in my purse.
This week God said, “Get it out and send it to her. Yup, that’s right. That song. Send it to Rachel.” So, I’m trusting this is something God wants you to hear right now and it is something that He prepared in my heart a year ago. Love you and hope this can bring you some peace today.”
I was shocked and amazed! I was so grateful that she listened to the Holy Spirit. It ministered to both Michael’s and my heart greatly through that season. I read it over and over again. (See song at the end of this post)
The next couple of weeks were a blur. God blessed us with times to ourselves and times to share our news with supportive friends who loved and prayed for us.
Then, on April 5th, we had to return to the infertility clinic. We had one final appointment, which felt pointless in both of our minds. They literally went over the test results again and said we were done. Talk about ripping open the wound again.
We felt the weight and heaviness of everything hit its climax as we entered the elevator after the appointment. Again, our hearts sank to a deeper level of grief. All hope and encouragement that had been built into us the last couple of weeks disappeared. We were left depressed and lost with what to do next.
God never leaves us without hope. I checked the mail when we returned home. I had a letter from One Match, the bone marrow donation organization. I opened the envelope to find a letter from my bone marrow recipient! On the very day we had to face the infertility clinic one last time, as we felt hope falter and joy diminish, God sent a letter that would bolster our spirits.
We were amazed! The greatest amazement was in the fact that the letter had been written 100 days after the donation. That would have been December of 2016. We received the letter on April 5, 2018! What were the odds of that other than God’s perfect timing? It brought a freshness He knew we needed at that exact moment.
We had made a choice to worship the Lord in the hospital when we heard our tragic news. We wanted to continue in that heart of praise even when every ounce of our minds wanted to refuse. God was faithful and blessed us with what we needed in each moment throughout the course of our journey.
Whether you’re facing infertility or other life circumstances, God is ALWAYS working in your life. I encourage you to choose to worship Him in any and all situations. Keep your eyes toward Him and He will show you where He’s working. It may be in the peculiar things you wouldn’t expect. This is because Jesus loves you beyond your comprehension and He loves surprises.
Sometimes we have to walk through painful moments in life. Each of us have our burdens to bear. All of us have some sort of sorrow in our lives. But, when we keep our eyes on Christ, He gives us love, strength, and hope to keep going. He gives us purpose to pour our hearts into.
You may not have your dreams in hand, but He does. He’s working a greater plan for your life than you can imagine. It may not always look pretty, but know that your life is always being used to influence the lives of others.
I pray this song brings comfort to you today as well:
By Sarah House-Van Pelt
“What do you do when everything crumbles
Your world falls down around
Dreams die and wishes fade from your view
I’ll lean, I’ll lean on You
What do you do when life moves on
Hurries on without you
Racing to the finish line you’re left behind
I’ll lean, I’ll lean on You
I’m trusting in the One who sees me
Knows where I’m going, knows where I’ve been
I’m leaning on the arms that hold me and keep me safe
Daily I’m content to be in Your presence, on my knees
Declaring You are Lord over me”