A Letter From My Husband
Today this is not Rachel, but her dashing husband Michael writing instead! I figure maybe I can get that word “dashing” passed the editing stage, but we will see. Rachel thought it would be a good idea to have me write my thoughts for you in the matter of our infertility, so here I am.
At first, to be honest I was not interested to do this as it is a difficult topic for me to talk about with others. But the more I thought about it, the more I felt that maybe, just maybe I should open myself up a bit to others. You see in the last few years I have realized, through various relationships and connections, that I would never grow with others or in myself if I did not share important things from my life. It is easy to talk about sports or the weather, but a subject like my infertility …. Well that is a bit harder to do, but here it goes!
In March of 2018 Rachel and I were on our very last test from a series of tests over the previous couple of years to see if we could naturally have children. It was a very … shall we say uncomfortable test for me as there was some slicing and dicing that had to be done. Rachel and I were in the recovery room after the surgery and were waiting to hear the medical professional assessment. They came into the room with the disheartening news that I didn’t have what it takes to make children with Rachel.
The world at the time seemed to fade away and we were both lost in that moment. We asked for some space from them, and Rachel crawled up in the hospital chair with me. We cried and listened to a good worship song called “It is Well” by Kristine DeMarco. The song and the comfort of each other seemed to give us a measure of peace. We just laid there and cried out to our heavenly Father.
I don’t remember too much about the simple things after that, like finding our car and driving home, but there are some things that I want to share with you that I do remember. Things that if you ever find yourself in this situation could help you navigate through this with your spouse. The first thing is to seek to love your spouse regardless of what dreams might be shattered in that moment. Rachel had many dreams that changed in that hospital room, but God blessed me with such an amazing wife. She crawled up in the chair to give me the closeness I needed in that moment. A closeness that immediately declared to me that she is WITH me and that we are united in our grief.
Never once did she ever make me feel less than myself either. Never once did she EVER ridicule me, tell me I wasn’t good enough, make me feel like this was my fault, or any other myriad of things that could have crushed me. I encourage anyone going through this that even though you are being hit by a whirlwind of emotions your marriage can become so much stronger than that moment if you can choose to love and build up the other through your pain. Truly I can say that Rachel and I have grown a stronger bond through this because we worked through it together in love and with God.
Now for the “with God” part. As much as you want to yell at God and then go ignore him – you need to still seek Him. Do not, and I repeat – do not stop having a relationship with Him because of the loss you feel. Even in things like this God loves you and wants to be with you to comfort and hold you. It is okay to be angry. It is okay to be frustrated, sad, and all the other emotions that come from an experience like this – God can handle it from you. Just don’t be hateful or disrespectful. God helped Rachel and I in this as we still strove to be in relation with him. It definitely wasn’t easy and there were many times where I was not feeling up to spending time with Him at all. But I implore you to keep on trying as you will find your true comfort in Him.
Remember also that life will change and can always get better – just don’t choose to stay in sadness. Try for joy. Joy in your spouse and joy in God. These things are not easy at all, but are wonderful things to try for. Remember that God loves you and wants to have a relationship with you in ALL things. Take a step today if you haven’t already to seek Him out.