Letting Go

Her eyes were completely bloodshot from tears. She was broken with grief, stuck in her bed with no will to get out. Her heart had been shattered and she felt there was no purpose or direction in life. The fight had been drained from her…

It was one of the most broken moments of my life. I had let go of a relationship that I had battled for with everything I had. I had also given up my dream for vocational missions. I was living with my parents again; no job, no future, no purpose in life except God Himself. My parents were worried. They said I was depressed and needed to get help. I knew it, but that statement just put me further into the despair and depression I was feeling. I wanted to sleep life away. I was exhausted.

But God…

But God’s love and grace is so amazing that He didn’t want to leave me there. He had created me; He had put every perfect detail into designing my life. He loved me with a passion I couldn’t fathom or even feel at the time. I didn’t understand why He still kept me going in life. What could He possibly want or do with a broken person like me? How could He pick up the mess of my life and do something good?

Eventually, when I had gone through the deepest and hardest part of my grief, God gave me the strength to get up and get help. He gave me songs to encourage my soul. He gave me Scripture to bind up my wounds. He brought me to the pastor for guidance and support. When I could finally open up to others about where I was at, He brought the love and support of friends around me.

Then, as the grief continued to be worked out in me, He began to bring hope and healing.

I never understood why so many people would say that they loved the Psalms growing up. I mostly enjoyed the stories. I wanted to hear about people’s lives and how God worked through them. However, in this moment, I understood a bit more. I appreciated David’s honesty to the Lord. I was grateful that he was willing to pour out his hurt, pain, and frustrations to El-Shaddai (God Almighty). David understood something that I eventually would too.

Psalm 142 – A Cry of Distress

I cry aloud to the LORD;
I plead aloud to the LORD for mercy.
I pour out my complaint before Him;
I reveal my trouble to Him.
Although my spirit is weak within me,
You know my way. (vs 1-3)

…I cry to You, LORD;
I say, “You are my shelter,
my portion in the land of the living.”
Listen to my cry,
for I am very weak… (vs. 5,6a)

God is big enough to handle our anger, our grief, and our listlessness. He understands because he’s walked through it. Jesus felt all of our heartaches. I learned that He isn’t going to shame me. He isn’t going to punish me. He’d rather I wrestle with Him in my hurt and doubt than to keep acting like everything is perfect in His and my relationship.  It is in the wrestling that healing can happen. It is in the moments when I am raw and most honest with God that He can take my heart and do something with it, because in those moments, I am choosing to give it over to Him. I am making the choice to work it out with Him, holding onto the hope that He will bring healing and new life as He promises.

When I was able to get to the point of sharing the pain with Him, to open my heart and be willing for Him to take back control, it was in that time that I not only hung on to hope, but that I was able to see the hope being worked out. Eventually, He helped me reconnect with the amazing community and support I had around me. He gave me a wonderful job where I could bless others. He led me to an amazing man that I would get the immense privilege of marrying. He took the ashes of my life and made something so beautiful out of it. He restored my soul.

Is there something you are walking through today that is overwhelming? Is there something that has left you wondering about life? Though you cannot see the future or may not be able to see past the pain in this present moment, please know that life is worth living and that God will do great things in you. Tell Him your hurt, your frustrations, your deepest grief. He is listening.

One of the greatest things I learned out of this time in my life is that God does have a deep love for me! It would set me on a course of letting go, holding onto His hope and truth, and pursuing a much deeper, more intimate relationship with Him.

In this section of Faith, I want to help you catch a glimpse of who God is. I want to help you understand the war that you’re battling, and the power you have in the battle.  I want to help guide you into a deeper and more intimate relationship with Jesus. It is possible, He does want that for you, and I want that for you too.