It’s Been Six Years Since Our Infertility Confirmation

It was March 14, 2018 that Michael and I received the medical confirmation that we are infertile. Though that day felt like it prominently changed the rest of our lives, it has begun to fade into the storage of past memories for me. A lot has happened since then, but in light of the news we received that day, in a sense, nothing has really changed.

On one hand, we’ve moved on and established other areas of our lives that we had put on hold. We’re enjoying the quietness of the nights to sleep and our mornings with the Lord. We appreciate the freedom to dedicate our time to work, our church, family, friends, and each other. We’re blessed with our sweet fur-baby, Mac. On the other hand, nothing has changed. We were without children at the start of our marriage and we still are today. Our family remains two. Or has it?

From a social/governmental perspective, we’re still considered a household of two people. We do not have biological, fostered, or adopted children we are raising. However, from a spiritual perspective, I believe our status looks different. We’ve been blessed with many “god-children;” dear family and friends who’ve welcomed us to join their families in loving their children. The Lord has also provided many opportunities for Michael and I to invest in other people, which we pray has added spiritual investment and growth in their relationship with Christ.

The reality of parenthood is that most of their investment opportunities are with their own children. It takes many hours of the day to provide for and care for their children, from babies to adults. Even when the adult children ‘leave the nest,’ a parent’s job continues in prayer and being an advisor when called upon, and the odd raiding of the fridge. Therefore, the ones the Lord sees fit to not extend our families beyond husband and wife have the greater opportunity to support these larger families and help fill the gaps with adults and children alike who need that extra love and support. This is often what Michael and I choose to do.

So, with the thought that much has changed, yet not at the same time, how do I quantify the last six years? The easiest way in my mind is pre-peace and post-peace.

Pre-Peace

Speaking for myself on this subject, the darkest time of working through our infertility was during this pre-peace phase. For a few months after our notice, I went into fighter mode and began researching all the options we could choose going forward. I needed information; something to grab hold of when the unknowns seemed overwhelming. That kept me going for a while, believing that God would help us discover which one He desired, and we’d move forward from there knowing what to do.

As the months dragged on, I grew weary. Despair tried to consume me. The fog of the unknowns made me angry. Countless times, Michael and I would discuss our options, never seeming to agree on any. Why would God do this?

Then the perceived possibilities came to us, but still we didn’t seem settled because our hearts didn’t have peace this was what God wanted. “How long, Oh Lord?”

There came a point a few years later where I thought God had a set of twins for us which created an urgency for me to battle for “my babies!” And I did it the strongest way I knew how with the Lord – I fasted and prayed for days. Though I didn’t skip every meal, I dedicated a morning a week, and often more, to come before God’s throne and battle this beast of infertility before Him. I desperately needed His answer.

He met me in that season and brought me the unexpected answer: His peace.

Post-Peace

It changed everything for me. My hands were no longer gripped tightly to the label of infertility. The Lord used that time of fasting and prayer to work away at the strongholds of my heart to bring about surrender to Him and His will. It brought me to a place where, like Jesus, I could honestly say, “Not my will but Yours be done.”

What I discovered is that peace brings freedom. It allowed me to think clearer and declare that if God desires us to have biological children, He will provide that miracle in His time. If He wills us to adopt, He’ll stir our hearts to the right agency and/or bring the right child to us. If He plans on us to remain as solely a couple without children, praise Him for that too.

This has allowed me to flourish in other areas. It’s helped me to grow spiritually, developing deeper trust and seeing the need to surrender more frequently and sit quietly before Him for the answers to other questions I have. Do I do it well now? Haha no! This is part of spiritual maturity being worked out in time. There are many times Michael, and others close to me, have to lovingly challenge me to ‘do business with Jesus,’ when my spirit is restless. I just had another bout of that this past month. But, at least I have come to truly know where the source of my answers and help is found.

There are times when the enemy seeks to try to steal my peace, or I do it to myself (though more rarely now) when I see parents with little ones, and think it would be beautiful to have that picture for Michael and I. That self-driven desire tries to plant itself again. But when I see I’ve seemingly started losing peace about it, it reminds me to hand it to the Lord, again, because God didn’t give me peace to only take it away. He’s given me direction and so far hasn’t shown otherwise.

There was also a time I felt selfish for not pursuing adoption. We should all help the orphans and adopt as many children as we can afford, and then some, right? How rude of me to selfishly keep it to just Michael and me. We were enjoying renovating our house, travelling, and investing in getting medical help for me with the Post-Concussion Syndrome. But shouldn’t we have saved for children instead? There was a book on adoption I read a year ago that I needed to put away because it infuriated me. The author had the opinion that every Christian had no excuse but should adopt as many children as possible in order to spread the gospel and shine God’s light to the world. While I agree it is important and should be done if you feel led by God, He hadn’t opened that door for us. So, instead of finding this a beautiful representation of helping the orphans, it was a deep stab to my heart that made me feel like I was falling short and not listening to the Lord’s desire for us. It made me feel selfish and outside of God’s will. It stole my peace. But, as I went before the Lord with it, and discussed it with Michael, again, the Lord returned His peace that what we were doing was what He desired.

Overall, the greatest gift I have received through this passage of infertility is God’s peace and the need to draw near to Him again when I feel it has been diminished. It has brought me into a deeper intimacy with Jesus, which is the greatest point of all suffering. Oh, how we all need Him to get through this life. We all have burdens hard to bear, but in Christ is found equal, if not greater, comfort and peace when we choose to abide in Him. Sometimes it comes quickly; others it takes a season of deep wrestling to open our hands to whatever we’re clinging to, in order to lay it before the Father and trust Him with the outcome. May my journey bring greater hope and peace to you too.