You want answers.
You want answers from doctors about what’s not working and why. Skepticism runs high when they give you undefined results. They’re still running tests months later while your frustration and discouragement rises.
You want answers from your family’s history. Are there others in your family who couldn’t have children? Is this some sort of weird genetic trait that skips certain family members but not others? Could it be attached to a dormant auto-immune disease you knew nothing about?
You want answers from God. Why would He allow this for you? Doesn’t He think you’d be a good parent? You find yourself questioning His motives and goodness. Then you start questioning how He could see fit to give some other people kids and not you. Silent judging creeps into your heart. You know it’s wrong, which adds to the frustration, so you apologize to the Lord for that.
You think, “Maybe He’s got a really special miracle baby planned or an amazing adoption story, but as months turn into years, hope wanes and you’re thinking He’s forgotten about you.
Are you being punished for something you’ve done in your past? Maybe this is His discipline seeking vengeance for your wrongs.
Okay, let me stop you right there!
Listen carefully – This is not your fault!
Take your thoughts captive! What’s does God’s truth say?
“For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his faithful love
toward those who fear him.
12 As far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed
our transgressions from us.
13 As a father has compassion on his children,
so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him”
Psalm 103:11-13
There is no condemnation for the followers of Jesus Christ. Yes, “The Lord disciplines the one He loves,” (Proverbs 3:12). However, He isn’t going to bring up past sins which have been forgiven and all of a sudden discipline you years later for it.
God has His reasons why He’s allowed children to be withheld from you for this time. Sometimes, it’s only Him who really understands why; other times He shows you. But whatever He does in your life, is done in absolute love! Just as you crave to be an amazing parent, the Lord is the most awesome parent you’ll ever have.
Think of the love that fills your heart whenever you think of having a baby, or when you see a parent having a special moment with his/her child. That love within you is only a mere glimpse of the love the Lord has for you. His love reaches, “as high as the heavens are above the earth.” (Psalm 103:11)
So, stop blaming yourself or listening to excuses in your head of why you think God is holding children back from you.
Also stop analyzing whether you’d be a good parent or not. Every single person has his strengths and weaknesses. Every parent, no matter what upbringing she’s had, has her special moments with her children and her serious “mom fails.” So, depending on the day, you could feel like a great parent or not. It’s not your identity or your burden to carry.
Though family genetics and diseases may affect your fertility, they’re not to blame either. That’s the price of living in a sin infiltrated world where there’s suffering. There are things you can do for some illnesses which can help increase your ability to get pregnant. These are good to pursue, but ultimately, every birth is a miracle given by God.
Doctors are humans too, which means they don’t have all the answers. They can create new tests and try various methods. They enjoy research and trying to find answers, and helping people, but remember they are prone to making mistakes as well.
It’s not the doctors’ faults. It’s not your family’s fault. It’s not your fault either. It’s not even God’s fault.
It’s God’s sovereign plan for this time of your life. It doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a permanent state. Either way, you can know you’re in the perfect hands of your Good Father who’s got it all worked out for you.
Release yourself and others from the blame, look to Jesus for the help, peace, and comfort you crave, and wait. It’ll be worth it.
