Let’s pretend you and I are sitting on the couch in your living room. It’s been two years since you decided it was time to grow your family. Your house is still quiet and your arms ache to hold your desired little one.
The doctors have not figured out why you can’t conceive yet. You’ve spent days on your knees crying out to the Lord for deliverance from this trial, or even to at least know His will for you regarding children. But His answer hasn’t come yet either.
So, you share your heart with me; the sorrow of this loss and fear of the unknown future. You try to avoid public settings that might have babies. You feel like you’re losing a piece of yourself the longer this trial continues.
Then you muster the courage to take me to the spare bedroom. You tell me where you’re planning to put the crib and show me the little sheep mobile you want to purchase to hang above it. You open the top drawer of the dresser and pull out a pair of baby shoes. You have a pair of pink glittered ones with a strap that goes over the top of the foot. There’s a small white leather flower on the left side of the one shoe at the end of the strap. I notice another pair tucked in the dresser. They’re little Puma sneakers with black on the front and white around back that cross over the black on the sides. One pair for a girl and one for a boy – your ultimate dream.
You finish explaining where the change table, glider rocker, book case, and bin of stuffed animals and toys would go; all of which you’ve spent hours planning on Pinterest. Then we walk back to the couch.
Words have been few from me; I’ve mostly just sat and listened to your story, empathizing with you all along. My heart aches with you because I’ve been there too. The nursery was planned in my head. Many times, I’ve stood in front of the full-length mirror, pushed my belly out, and pretended to visualize what I’d look like if I were pregnant. Dreams I’ve had to grieve.
As I share my story, I can see understanding along with a twinge of fear in your eyes. You’ve heard it before; that God brought me to a place of peace about not having children. You are scared that will be what God plans for you as well.
You don’t want to hear it. You want to hold onto hope that you’ll have your own biological children. Isn’t that how the Lord created us; to procreate and fill the earth? Wouldn’t He especially want Christians to have children, so we can tell them the good news about Jesus, and they can grow up sharing about Him with the world?
It’s so hard early on to consider the thought that maybe biological children isn’t what God desires for you. You know it has happened to many others, but surely that won’t be your story, right?
There’s no guarantee in any scenario. You may eventually have your own children, or by adoption, or some other means, so I don’t promise you anything in that regard.
My left hand holds yours as I wrap my right arm around your shoulders and begin to pray for you. We bring your dreams before the Lord along with the grief, fears, loneliness, and false shame about your barrenness. I pray for strength, wisdom, joy, and clear direction from the Lord for you. But the greatest thing I pray for you is that God will give you His peace, and then I stop and pause.
Turning to look into your eyes as they cloud with tears, I assure you that no matter the outcome, you can guarantee God will give you peace if you seek Him for it.
Something I’ve noticed while talking with many who’ve suffered through infertility is that even if they receive their precious miracle, whether biologically, medically, or by adoption, it doesn’t necessarily deliver peace. Grief and the turmoil of the journey have a way of robbing you of peace with the Lord and in life, especially when children don’t come biologically.
When you search for God’s peace over the infertility, you are guaranteed He will give it to you.
“Don’t worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7
“Peace I leave with you. My peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Don’t let your heart be troubled or fearful.” John 14:27
“I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. You will have suffering in this world. Be courageous! I have conquered the world.” John 16:33
Remind yourself of these truths. Choose to meet with Jesus and worship Him unrestrained, regardless of your questions and hurts. Bring all your worries and sorrows before your Saviour. Surrender your desires and ask the Lord to replace them with His. Ask Him to clearly give you your next steps. This is scary, but over time will become so freeing!
Before I leave, I sing a song over you.
“I cast all my cares upon You
I lay all of my burdens down at your feet
And anytime I don’t know what to do
I will cast all my cares upon You.”
I Cast All My Cares Upon You by Kelly Willard
Dear friend,
I don’t know where you’re at in your journey right now. But I am here for you. Each story is different but suffering is universal. My heart empathizes with you and desperately wants to point you to the Giver of hope and peace. He will give it to you. Turn to Jesus. Cry to Jesus. Surrender to Jesus and find great life in His blessed peace. He has beauty coming to replace your brokenness. Hold on my friend, and trust in Him.
Love,
Rachel
